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For the past two days I've been getting up at 5, bringing my mom to work, coming home, getting my little sister ready for school, trying, myself, to get ready, bring her to school, go to school, go to work, pick up sister from school again...Then home where my parents do nothing but scream at me or at each other. I had no valentines, Lee thinks I want him up my ass, when all I want is to be able to hang out. I'm grounded, and I'm not going to school for the next 6 days.
I wish I could be as happy as I was before I fell in this hole.
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This was after the Scott parade.
I was drinking.
No harm.
I miss him.
But in a different way.
I can't explain it.
I don't want to turn into the person I'm turning into.
But I'm afraid that I won't find another guy that connects with me like we did.
It's hard to find that.
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 I think right now I just want a cute, funny guy to take pictures with me.  Erinn and I are moving in together when I turn 18. I'm not going to put the heater on and burn paper to save money. Makes sense right? My weekend, new loves,...  I'm going to houston for project career day. the winner from Project runway, chloe dao, will be there. I have to take pictures and make a dvd of the trip. I can get used to this. I'd like to do this for bands if it works out.
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Today is the first day that I have not called him or texted him.
It was so hard to do, but I kept myself occupied. I'm just baffled by how you can mean the entire world to someone one minute and be nothing but 5 months wasted the next. His birthday is Saturday. I heard he's having party. I know I'm not invited. I feel so outcasted from the group, like it was I who broke his heart. He says he has to find himself. I'll let him go, and when he does come back, I'll no longer be waiting. Because truth be told, there is infact a better guy out there for me. Who will treat me and care about me the way I should be cared for. I can promise you one thing, no one will ever get as close as he did. I won't let anyone have the chance to hurt me like this again.
I feel like today is the beginning of my new life. My life away from Lee. I hope this one goes a little bit better. Tomorrow I have to go to art class. A girl decided to sketch me for a project. It's painful sitting there for hours, and she doesn't let me take breaks. I can tell she's really into this one, and I can tell she really wants to finish it.
Tonight I went to Artmosphere for the first time. It was really nice, a really good atmosphere. I went to see Max's band, Jaguar paws. They were good and I really enjoyed a different "max" sound. I sat down waiting for the next band, Us over water, and after the first song I was very impressed. It was beautiful music and I just listened, forgetting everything that seemed to be going wrong in my life lately. I really hope things start to look up, and I really hope I meet someone who can make these nights just a little less lonely.
Tommorrow I'm going to the mall with Jolie around 7. We're going to look at dresses for prom even though I really don't plan on going. I just want to keep myself occupied so that everything doesn't consume me like it did yesterday.
All I wish for is a beautiful life, filled with people who love me. Is that so much to ask, God?
Today a girl asked me for help on her english paper and everyone just looked at me and said "Ask her, she made a 32 in English on the ACT. She's the english major."
And honestly, I'm really not that smart, but it made me feel good that people actually think I am.
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dear lee,
The past couple of days have done a number on my heart and my life. I don't know where to begin, but I know that this will all make sense one day. I love you more than I love the moon, the earth, my camera, anything. You've been a shining light on my life. You showed me what it is to love and to be completely and utterly wrapped up in another person. You don't think much of yourself but you are my everything. I've told you this over and over but this is my final letter and my final confessions to you. I loved you within a week of knowing you. I don't know how someone who never loved before, or never let herself love could find it so quickly, so suddenly. For 5 months now you've been my companion through happy times and sad times and rough ones too.
You've hurt me, and I've hurt you. We fought, we screamed, blamed each other for everything. I think we were both just trying to fight this growing feeling that I hope you honestly share. I love you with everything I am, and although you can't say it the way I do, I know deep inside that you love me the same way. As much as I love you, I can't keep doing this to myself. This is the final time that I will set myself up for love and let someone crawl into that space I kept guarded for so long. I feel hollow now, without you. I feel like I can't be happy when the only real happiness I've found with a person was with you. I can't do that anymore. I kept texting you and calling you because I can't let you go. Everytime I start thinking about you and how we'll never be together, I call you hoping that you'll say you can't live without me either. So I want you to ignore me. Ignore the calls, the texts, block me from your life. I know I'll never ever move on unless I never know of you. Because as long as I know you, I'll love you. Don't call me unless it's to tell me that I'm the only person you love. Unless it's to tell me that I'm your everything as well because I can't keep hoping on the other line that you'll say these things. When I call you, you sound happy and fine and it hurts because I'm in constant pain. I know your sorry, but if you really loved me like you said you did, then your not just sorry your hurting me, your sorry that your losing me. I've been crying everynight that I get any sleep. I just cry and think about all the wonderful times we had and I don't want to be that sad any longer. It'll hurt for a while but I hope that pain subsides. I just want to know that you feel it, too. But you won't, and I can't ask you to be someone your not anymore. Maybe someday we can be friends. But that's unlikely. I love who you are too much. I'll just fall in love all over again. I can't love you anymore because I know then you have my heart in your hands again. And I can't trust you with that anymore. I can't tell you how much I'm crying now, writing this letter to you. I don't want to write this letter to you, I've never wanted to write this letter to you. All I want is you. And I can't have you. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me for any pain I've caused you and just remember the good times when you think about us. All the fighting in the world can't replace what we had. It's so hard to picture my future because everytime I did, it was with you in it. I hope that picture will soon become blurry because you've already let go, and I should too. I love you, lee. Know that all I ever did was love you. I just can't let all of this rip me away.
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